16.

so yeah..
life's a struggle, and i think the blog is slowly turning into a self-help paraphernalia.
God knows how i despise that section of "Self motivational" books whenever i step into a bookstore.
and i don't have a single inkling as to why i have that kind of emotions towards those books, whereas ayah is always telling us to read Covey's books. bless those 7Habits of whatever kind of people we have in this world.

am not making sense, i know.
so today, i'm gonna make a confession.
and if its excessive of me, you can all condemn me to a life sentence of utter humiliation.
but i know i should be doing this, in order for me to get on with my so-called fresh start that wouldn't go in motion because of all these things bottled up inside.

ehh, how am i gonna start?

inn, just spit it out already.

this. is what's always holding me up.
myself.
me and my overbearing non-stopping thoughts.

okayyy. stop.
here goes.

i should be in my third year of my studies right now, you know.
but..
i didn't do well for my second year finals.
well, the phrase i didn't do well may be an understatement.
cus, here i am stuck in my second year.
again.

what disturbed my alwayshadbeenfocused mind for the whole year that had made me suffer this kind of fate?
embarassed as i am, here's the answer;
i had my heart broken.
heh. *smirking at her own utter foolishness*

there once was a time that i wouldn't have bat an eyelash at being dumped.
or reacted so weakly to any kind of provocation regarding matters of the heart.
ehh no, was i dumped?
not really. we had a mutual agreement of wanting to go on our separate ways.
but seeing as he's found a new replacement already,
i see myself as the one at a shorter end of luck.

*i'd probably go hit my head several times after i post this due to utter humiliation and overexposure of ones' self*


okay, where was i?
right. got my heart broken.
i was in total denial as accepting that as the main reason of me slacking my studies.
but there it was, always, smack-bang in front of me, but i being the thick-skinned, so-called tough persona, refused to acknowledge it and get over and done it with.
until here i am, stuck, and feeling disappointed with myself.
disappointed, self-hating, self-blaming, self-despising, blablabla, etc.
all that downgrading, non-motivational shit.
one can allow only a certain limit of wallowing, and moping around, don't you think?
if you allow it to stretch too much, you'd end up being a slight shadow of the person you used to be.
you'd end up being weaker than ever before.
not to mention, even more self-pitying, and more pathetic than ever before.
and you go through life, a day at a time, in a cloud of daze and not feeling a thing, at all.
and it would be much easier to fall into that dark endless pit of self-demoralisation than climb up that steep path of fighting for yourself again.
blearghh, too much analogies -___-
my point being, you let yourself take the easy way out than go through the hard way out.
cowardly, weak, pathetic. don't you think so?

I, THINK SO.
i am so ashamed at myself right now, i could barely smile at the sight of myself anymore.
that much emotion i felt towards myself. Horrible much?
and the only way for me to get up and at 'em again is by..
proving myself worthy again.
make my parents trust in me again, cus i know, i've let them down.
make myself trust in me again, make myself love myself again.
and i won't always be okay everyday, but i try to be.
i try, try, try and try again. again and again and again.
okay inn, cukup pengulangan dah tu rasanya -___-

so you know,
life's a struggle, nothing comes easy.
and you reap, what you sow.
straighten that nawaitu of yours.
remember what we stand for,
remember that everything we do is, lillahitaala.
i am trying to remember that too, everyday.
but i am only human, therefore, i am far from perfect,
so if you guys see me stumbling around,
take my hand, put me the right way up again, and remind me of what i wrote here.

and bottomline is;
you think you've got the most unfortunate luck in the world,
but when you stop, look around and think about it,
there's someone, some other place who's having it worse than you are.
don't compare and say it out loud,
it'd be like you're pitying the said person,
or you're not being understanding enough.
just look at how they are handling the situation bravely,
look at the Palestinians for example, hundreds of years of oppression,
but they are still there, standing brave and unyielding,
apa sangatla yang aku lalui, dengan apa yang dorang lalui tu kan?
malu kan, bila fikir macam tu? hmm :)
so... borrow a little bit of their strength,
and ask for some more strength from Him,
for you, and for everyone else.
that's not so hard, isn't it? :]