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I find that I am angry most of the time these days. Seething in silence.
Furiously shaking with anger. Seriously. My fingers are shaking at the moment. I had to retype these sentences a few times over because of my typos (well maybe i should've just let the typos be)

At what exactly am i furious at? I have no idea. Everything, i suppose. and also nothing.
I am angry at mysef for not being able to be the best that I can. I am angry at other people for seemingly not understanding me. I am angry at the ignorance of some people towards others' mishaps and misfortunes. I am angry at people that waste their time arguing about petty things just to get their points across and make people agree with them despite the fact that their points are totally nonsensical. Whatever happened to embracing our differences and agreeing to disagree and go your separate ways? Must you indoctrinate each and everyone with your mentality/belief/way of thinking? Must youuu?

I am angry at myself for not being able to do anything but be a hopeless person of no actual importance and of no power whatsoever to do anything for all the things that I am angry about. I am angry that i have to be positive everyday. I am angry that I have to not be a negative skeptical bitter and totally unpleasant person all the time. I am angry at my positivity that is day by day becoming more ridiculous and superficial, in a too good to be true kind of way. I am angry that other people think I am such a calm and collected person when actually I have a typhoon raging inside of me, with storm and thunder fighting against each other endlessly whenever I get so angry like I am now. I am not nice, I totally am not. I just try to be. You do not have any idea how mean I can be. You haven't an inkling of the things that I think about and the words that I very very very nearly let loose out of my mouth when I am mad. I am angry at myself for being that way but I am also angry for not being able to say it out loud and then I am angry at myself for being angry about that too...

This is exhausting. Do you have any idea how hard it is to say 'No' to yourself most of the time?

Well.. yeah okay.. of course a lot of you do know how that feels. Durh, you're not the only person with anger issues in this whole wide world, nor are you the only one always feeling hopelessly useless most of the time. Nor are you the only person always telling yourself 'No' to all the worldly doings you so want to indulge and let yourself be lost in. But yeah... sometimes you just reach a certain breaking point or maybe a lowered threshold of patience that you lose it like you are losing it right now resulting in an outburst such as this one. Heh.

Like the words of the fictional Peter Van Houten, 'pain demands to be felt'.
Well i say, anger demands to be felt. But definitely at a great cause (which is totally not worth it, by the way),
like you said yourself, you're constantly saying 'No' to all those worldly doings, right? There! you know it yourself, they're worldly. Therefore unworthy of you giving up the fight. Unworthy worldly stuff. There's a mini tongue-twister for you whenever you get so effing mad and worked up such as now you hopeless human.

I hope no one reads this. I havent written an entry for such a long time and this is what I wrote after such a hiatus. Yeap, I am angry at that fact, as well. I really hope no one reads this. Because this is a rant. And i need to let off some steam. So yeah. Okay. Stop being so angry and then getting angry for being angry. Penat wehh. Remember. They're UNWORTHY WORLDLY stuff.

kau mau hidu bau syurga atau tidak?
lalu takkan setakat hidu lalu kau puas hati hanya dengan itu?
think about that the next time you get all fired up, oh my dear self...

but if anyone does read this, I've got a paper to sit tomorrow, Clinical Pathology that is. 
Would you be kind enough to say some prayers for my classmates and I? Thank you, jazakumullahu kheyr!

1 comment:

  1. astaghfirullah ya ukhti. bawa2 bertenang...
    :) mari makan ais krim?!