43.

Yep, i know. I worry a lot. About my grades especially and definitely in the period of this year in particular.
I guess worrying keeps me grounded. Eh no, i'm pretty SURE that worrying keeps me grounded. Because I somehow remembered how nonchalant I was about my grades a couple of years back, anddd... look where that got me. So maybe you can say, I've learnt my lesson.

All these years of studying, I have always been in a safe zone, well.. a comfort zone to be exact. Always stable, always able to pull through, no matter how hard the subjects were. When you stay in your safety zone for so long, you will obviously feel very comfortable in it, no doubt! That's when the lazying around starts to develop, because you feel so very certain of you passing the exams without even needing to lift a finger, so to speak (tu diaaa... full on temberang-ness). Sekalinya... Padan muka! Joke's on you, kid! Kau ingat kau macam one of those crazy gifted geniuses yang baca sekali terus hafal langsung takkan lupa? Kau ingat kau macam diorang yang buat sekali terus tak perlu buat latihan lagi berulang-ulang sampai kau pro? Inilah dia yang dinamakan lupa diri ya, anak-anak. Please do not follow this particular set of my footsteps, i beg of you.

Okay, so... after repeating my second year of med school and passing (Alhamdulillah!), I am now in my third year and right now in the middle of my final exams. Hence the constant worrying about and calculating my grades.
But this is good, seriously.

Sebab satu benda paling penting aku sedar dan memang masuk menusuk kalbu adalah, aku dulu sebenarnya lupa Dia yang Maha Kuasa, aku lupa kejayaan aku selama ni, pinjaman dari dia. Ingat lirik ni? "Bila dipuji kejayaan kita, sebenarnya bukan milik kita" Selama ni aku mengaku ada jugak terselit rasa bangga diri tu, tahu? Bangga sebab (boleh dikatakan) berjaya jejak kaki belajar di luar negara. Peh, cantik sangat laa kan hidung tinggi, kembang kuncup begitu? 

That's why I say, worrying keeps me grounded, and knowing that He is behind all the good things (and even the bad things) that have happened to me, I am never ever ever going to feel like I am the only one responsible for whatever it is that's happened, or is happening, or about to happen. I am always reminded that whenever I've been getting good grades in any of my assessments this year, semua tu Allah yang bagi rezeki and even when I get some mediocre or average marks, itu pun Allah jugak yang bagi, to remind me of Him because maybe I haven't been doing things the right way (tiada sudah lubang hidung kembang kuncup, i think...).

Eh aku tak sebut pun jangan tak ada usaha langsung, okay? Itu bodoh sombong namanya. Someone once told me, "Result kita nanti tu Allah dah tetapkan, yang Dia nak tengok adalah usaha, doa dan tawakkal kita" and macam yang Ayah dan Mama jugak ulang-ulang bagitau aku kalau aku non-stop gelabah ayam di kala musim exam, "Ingat Angah, usaha. Bila sudah usaha, doa dan tawakkal dengan Dia. You've given it your best shot, haven't you? Sekarang doa ja banyak-banyak dan percaya dengan Dia."

Aku dengan kerisauan aku, bukan maknanya aku tak bersyukur. Dalam hati Alhamdulillah tak putus sebab paper Patho Written hari tu ada jugak laa contengannya (tapi balik rumah terduduk atas katil menitis jugak airmata mengenang jawapan yang ditulis). Aku cuma takut aku lupa diri lagi sekali kalau aku rasa selamat atau puas hati dengan apa yang sudah aku lakukan.
Let me be, so that I'll be able to pray and ask from Him with all my heart and soul.
Let me be, so I'll never ever lose my head in the clouds again.
Let me be, so I'll always stay grounded.

**But if I somehow becomes neurotic to the nth degree, that may be a good time to knock some sense into me. And knock me hard in the head, if you please! 

P.S ; Do pray for my classmates and I, so that the whole batch can get through this together this year. Thanks! :)