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ever felt like nothing is going okay, and everything's falling apart,
that eventhough you tried your very best, you still can't make it right,
and every other thing that you can rely upon is just a mere illusion in reality.
and even your writing which you can usually run to for cover is like..
i don't know, i can't even describe it any longer.

i've been going round and round in circles these days.
some days, i'd be at the top of the circle.
just okay, barely stable, quite the optimist.
some days, well.. 
lets just say, i could definitely hit rock bottom.
the bottom most bottom of rock bottom.
if there ever exist one.

and i would be so exhausted with all this going round and round in circles.
but i couldn't stop it, eventhough i seriously do want it to stop.
i do, i want myself to stop all this..
all this sinking to the deepest depths of despair.
because i used to despise this feeling of one's helplessness.
but here i am, utterly helpless.
not to mention hopeless.

because no matter how hard i try,
no matter how psyched i am in the morning with the prospect of a brand new day,
i would somehow still have a flicker of sadness and despair felt somewhere here, in me.

know what?
i went through my old photo albums, 
and i couldn't fine one single snapshot of me smiling.
no no, not that plastered plastic smile you reserve for the camera.
not that smile.
a real smile. my real smile.
i haven't smiled for a long time.
i want to smile that real smile of mine,
with that twinkle in my eye.

i just wanna be happy.

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