54.

"remember why you started.."

what if i no longer remember why?

or maybe i don't even know why..

but somehow i can't imagine myself doing something else..

(besides sitting around in a library somewhere earning money by reading books and also just being paid to be surrounded by books which is totally unrealistic tbh because this world is not a wish-granting factory)

Dan apalah makna hidup seorang houseman tanpa leteran dan bebelan setiap hari.. whatever happens, big or small there will always be parts blamed on you despite things not even being the slightest bit your mistake. You tell yourself to look at the positive side of it every single time, and that requires a huge amount of effort but you bear with it, continue to do it, day in and day out because that's how you survive, that's how you get through day by day. Tiring, no doubt.. but if you try and try and TRY relentlessly, you will be able to see the the plus points that you gain. 

One more thing.. there will always be people who tend to leave shit lying around for other people to clean up or even cause you to be the one blamed for the mess left behind or even worse, when they directly aim the shit at you.. My dear self.. remember how the Prophet S.A.W literally had shit thrown at him by his neighbour while he was praying but he did not bat an eyelid and did not retaliate with the same manner and kept his cool.. be that way. Please remind yourself of this story and may you have the strength to always keep your cool. 

*though in truth they have been bursts of outrage and streams of swear words sprouted out left right and center, tapi ayuhlah farihin, try and try and try and never cease to try again because what is this world if not a place for you to sow the seeds for your afterlife, kan?

"Berpenat lelahlah kerana Allah, sesungguhnya kesenangan itu selepas kepenatan. Jangan berdukacita kerana hidup ini meletihkan, keran demikianlah hidup ini diciptakan."

(Imam Shafie)

53.

bilangnya mau jadi berani,
lalu sekarang tunggu apa lagi?

esok hari datangnya belum pasti
masa terus laju berlari pergi
culas saja kau ulang kata-kata 'nanti'

bilangnya mau jadi berani
lalu kenapa masih kaku berdiri?

langkahmu seolah terkunci
mimpi-mimpimu terhenti
semangatmu terpadam mati
semuanya langsung tak kau sedari

bilangnya mau jadi berani
lalu mengapa ragu masih menghantui?

Tuhanmu ada,
apa kau lupa?
Tuhanmu ada tak pernah menjauh
kau saja yang seumpama kapal angkat sauh
terumbang-ambing semakin hanyut
hilang berani, diisi takut.

Nyata sekali kau alpa
bahwa Tuhan tak pernah tiada
Ayuh! beranilah keranaNya!
sandaranmu takkan pernah goyah
pergantunganmu takkan sesekali lemah

nah sekarang tunggu apa lagi...
kau sudah bilang kan mau jadi berani?!

52.

if you can't be good enough for yourself
how will you ever suffice?
how do you live under your own skin
when those flesh & bones
also that heart that once shone
is as if, not of your own

why do you look at others & feel so much better
whilst you're with yourself you get oh so very bitter?
how do you live with your own skin
if you don't learn to love
those flesh & bones
and that heart, though forlorn
with its cracks and cuts and bruises true
because that's just who you are, through & through
& that is truly definitely something.

or would you rather be nothing, rather than something?

51.

I find that I am angry most of the time these days. Seething in silence.
Furiously shaking with anger. Seriously. My fingers are shaking at the moment. I had to retype these sentences a few times over because of my typos (well maybe i should've just let the typos be)

At what exactly am i furious at? I have no idea. Everything, i suppose. and also nothing.
I am angry at mysef for not being able to be the best that I can. I am angry at other people for seemingly not understanding me. I am angry at the ignorance of some people towards others' mishaps and misfortunes. I am angry at people that waste their time arguing about petty things just to get their points across and make people agree with them despite the fact that their points are totally nonsensical. Whatever happened to embracing our differences and agreeing to disagree and go your separate ways? Must you indoctrinate each and everyone with your mentality/belief/way of thinking? Must youuu?

I am angry at myself for not being able to do anything but be a hopeless person of no actual importance and of no power whatsoever to do anything for all the things that I am angry about. I am angry that i have to be positive everyday. I am angry that I have to not be a negative skeptical bitter and totally unpleasant person all the time. I am angry at my positivity that is day by day becoming more ridiculous and superficial, in a too good to be true kind of way. I am angry that other people think I am such a calm and collected person when actually I have a typhoon raging inside of me, with storm and thunder fighting against each other endlessly whenever I get so angry like I am now. I am not nice, I totally am not. I just try to be. You do not have any idea how mean I can be. You haven't an inkling of the things that I think about and the words that I very very very nearly let loose out of my mouth when I am mad. I am angry at myself for being that way but I am also angry for not being able to say it out loud and then I am angry at myself for being angry about that too...

This is exhausting. Do you have any idea how hard it is to say 'No' to yourself most of the time?

Well.. yeah okay.. of course a lot of you do know how that feels. Durh, you're not the only person with anger issues in this whole wide world, nor are you the only one always feeling hopelessly useless most of the time. Nor are you the only person always telling yourself 'No' to all the worldly doings you so want to indulge and let yourself be lost in. But yeah... sometimes you just reach a certain breaking point or maybe a lowered threshold of patience that you lose it like you are losing it right now resulting in an outburst such as this one. Heh.

Like the words of the fictional Peter Van Houten, 'pain demands to be felt'.
Well i say, anger demands to be felt. But definitely at a great cause (which is totally not worth it, by the way),
like you said yourself, you're constantly saying 'No' to all those worldly doings, right? There! you know it yourself, they're worldly. Therefore unworthy of you giving up the fight. Unworthy worldly stuff. There's a mini tongue-twister for you whenever you get so effing mad and worked up such as now you hopeless human.

I hope no one reads this. I havent written an entry for such a long time and this is what I wrote after such a hiatus. Yeap, I am angry at that fact, as well. I really hope no one reads this. Because this is a rant. And i need to let off some steam. So yeah. Okay. Stop being so angry and then getting angry for being angry. Penat wehh. Remember. They're UNWORTHY WORLDLY stuff.

kau mau hidu bau syurga atau tidak?
lalu takkan setakat hidu lalu kau puas hati hanya dengan itu?
think about that the next time you get all fired up, oh my dear self...

but if anyone does read this, I've got a paper to sit tomorrow, Clinical Pathology that is. 

Would you be kind enough to say some prayers for my classmates and I? Thank you, jazakumullahu kheyr!

50.

she read those books as if they are her salvation
she read tirelessly and without fail
one book after another, she read
as if searching for something
as if there is this hidden answer
that can be found buried
between the lines of the countless number of books that she read
she even buried herself in those books
finding comfort in the tales being told
finding solace in the moments written in ink

but somehow

all those warmth and security did not last for long
it left her wanting more
left her feeling unfinished and detached
detached from herself
detached from the characters
suspended in oblivion
lost and alone
even more alone than she ever was before

oblivion.


kau lupa
kau lupa pada bukuNya
yang kau cari sudah lama terhidang depan mata
tersimpan kemas di rak paling atas
cantik kau letak satu-satunya

terima kasih Tuhan
pada bukuNya dikembalikan ingatan
satu persatu dibuka lembaran
perlahan-lahan tidak lagi kehilangan

jangan
jangan lagi kau lupa pada Al-Furqan.