thoughts.

38.

2011-12-29T23:18:00.000-08:00

"Berpenat lelahlah kerana Allah, sesungguhnya kesenangan itu selepas kepenatan.

Jangan berdukacita kerana hidup ini meletihkan, kerana demikianlah hidup ini diciptakan."

-Imam Syafie-

dari kecik sampai besar satu nasihat ayah yang berulang kali ayah sebut tak pernah berhenti,
"Dalam apa benda yang kita buat pun, dalam hati mesti niat kerana Allah, Lillahitaala, tak ada lain. Lagi satu, mana pun kamu pergi nanti bila dah besar, untuk belajar, untuk kerja, ingat yang kamu bawak nama Islam, nama ayah dengan nama mama, nama keluarga kita, jadi jaga diri bagus-bagus"
aku pulak dari kecik sampai besar respon sama tak pernah berubah,
"Ya ayah" *angguk angguk*

Tapi masa kecik tu apa yang aku faham adalah, dalam setiap tindakan kita tu, kita kena ingat yang Allah sentiasa ada perhatikan kita. You know, along the lines of, "Jangan buat ni, dosa! nanti Allah marah!"
*betul laa jugak tu kan, but not quite the message that ayah wanted to convey to me, i know now, and here's the story!

I have this weird thing with people and motivation and inspiration, if you get what i mean.
kind of like i get inspired by people around me, particularly with people i am fond of.
(read: people i love)
ahh.. NOW you get what i mean? haha. okay okay.
so yeah.. I tend to try to be better when I am around people I love because for me, they deserve to get the best (especially from me), as in my eyes, they ARE the best. This is yet another incurable condition of mine where i can see no evil in the people that i love. haha.
(inn admit it, you are just a hardcore hopeless romantic *facepalm*)

'apa bha yang kau mau cakap sebenarnya ni inn?'
heheh, mesti ada yang geram suda ni kan :D

I used to want to change for the better for the sake of other people
(read: a certain special someone?)
which is good, i guess? but not quite right.
we should REALLY change for the better for the sake of Allah. Lillahitaala.
because then, we would never lose the purpose of doing whatever it is we're doing, as He is always there, whereas when we wanted to change for other people, if somehow someday that person decided to leave us, we would then lose the inspiration to change for the better. What good would that do?

Its actually very simple logic.

tanya diri sendiri ja lah, what is the purpose of our life actually?
of this life? of doing everything we are doing right at this moment?
what's the reason behind it?
is it for us? for other people? for other people to see and judge us?
hmm..

kita hidup di dunia ni boleh diibaratkan macam kita tengah menabung, kumpul duit sebab kita berkenan sangat dengan satu benda ni, dan kita pasti bila kita berjaya dapat benda tu dalam tangan, itu adalah satu kebahagiaan hakiki untuk kita.

kumpul duit = pahala
kebahagiaan hakiki = syurga

tak complicated laa harapnya analogi aku bagi tuh :]
macam status update seorang kawan ni...
"Nak pergi syurga dengan tiket termahal!"
(Farah Nur, mohon share ye? hehehe :D)

Lagi satu benda best bila sentiasa Lillahitaala ni, kau jadi takkan penat untuk terus buat sesuatu benda tu,
(macam study untuk exam yang berderet next week untuk 3rd year Ainshams students)
Sebab bila buat Lillahitaala, free camtu ja dapat tambah pahala!
Tapi buat benda berfaedah lah, jangan lah ada yang baca ni terus dalam hati cakap,
"Kalau macam tu, aku tidur ja lah satu hari ni, tapi niat Lillahitaala sebab free ja dapat pahala macam si inn tulis dalam blog dia"

do not be daft and lame serta loyar buruk dan cetek fikiran please? :]
ehh? terkasar bahasa? sorry. but i just wanted to be clear.

ini dia superhero nombor satu, paling hensem di dunia dalam hati.

rindu ayah actually. hence the blogpost.

trimakaseh ayah for drilling our minds with those words endlessly dari kecik sampai sekarang!

sorry it took so long to really get the exact meaning of what you've been telling the three of us since we were cute little girls, now all grown up to become such refined ladies, insyaAllah! muehehe :D

this one's for you, big bro.

2011-11-23T23:32:00.000-08:00

it's surprising and utterly unacceptable how much you will feel the loss only after that person is gone, right?
totally unacceptable because that person should've been one of your priorities, one of the things that constantly goes round and round in your mind.
but somehow, you keep on saying to yourself; "we still have time, there's always another time, that person will still be there when we finally have time..."

macam lah masa tu satu rakaman pita video, boleh suka hati rewind atau fast forward.
and now we're left with only the memories and that huge chunk of suffocating regret that we did not do the things that we wanted to do and we didn't say the things that we wanted to say.

we miss you.

that small area in front of the bookshops, Ainshams Uni, 2008

you were always there for all of us,

like the big brother of the family,

you were always ready to pick us up whenever we fall down,

to give us a push or a shove whenever we slowed down,

always ready with the perfect words to say right in our faces,

though maybe a bit harsh, but still the right kind of words nonetheless.

but i think we have failed you..

we weren't there with you all the time,

the way you had always been by our side,

we somehow got caught up with a lot of things,

and we constantly say to ourselves that we would eventually have the time to be with you,

and maybe deep down inside, we believed in you so much,

that we thought you can get through this without a scratch.

we're horrid friends aren't we?

we miss you,

so.very.much.

tapi kami tahu, banyak mana kami sayang kau, Allah lebih lebih lagi sayang kau.

terima kasih Lucky for everything.

for the wise words, for the endless playful teasing,

and for the promise that you would look after us just like a brother would to his sisters.

we wish we could ask for your forgiveness,

for the things we did that hurt you and for the things we didn't do when we're supposed to.

Al Fatihah.

Lucky Hidayat bin Adey

(18 Oktober 1990 - 22 November 2011)

quoting Fynn Jamal, "semoga kau dijaga tenang"

37.

2011-11-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

so... i spent Eid Adha by the sea. and it was awesome! :]
Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha everyone! and please watch your meat consumption people. heheh.

you ever have memories of a few people that is so vivid, you can never fail to conjure up the perfect image of those people and it still felt like yesterday?
I have.
i can even hear their laughter and their exact facial expressions. their eyebrows creased in concentration, the crazy way one of them laughed and that sweet smile of a friend you can never forget.
can you imagine how i felt when i get to see all of that again right in front of my eyes after 13years?
exhilirated. euphoric even.
those words can't even truly describe and convey my exact feelings when i get to see these three beloved, awesome people again.
when the four of us met that night, we just immediately clicked together, like we've never been apart for that many years! awesomeee! *non-stop grinning since i started typing this post*

yeah, 13years. i'm twenty now, you do the math.
AND i kid you not :]

Nad, me, Jiji, Ujai. the Fab Four. muehehe :]

we were the best of chums during preschool, running around the playground during break,

having how-to-brush-your-teeth classes by the drain, (yes. by the drain)

muffled conversations during class and grinning to our own little jokes,

doing the performance for our class together, (we sang nasheed! Nad and I still remembered the lyrics, Jiji's memory had to be revived first, but Ujai was the complete amnesiac, heheh.)

we believed whoelheartedly rumors about that haunted patch of shrub that seemed so big when we were little, we called it The Haunted Woods (no one gets out alive kinda thing, complete with an old haunted house kononnya)

i could go on and on and on about the things i remember, when it comes to them..

but let that be stories i share with the four of us :]

i thank You, for bringing us back together.

i thank You for giving me this chance and opening my options to study here in Egypt,

cus if i hadn't come, maybe i wouldn't have been reunited with them.

and i thank the three of you for being one of my BEST childhood memories.

lots and lots and LOTS of love! ;]

36.

2011-10-24T22:54:00.000-07:00

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now,

Andre Jordan

huehuehue. awesome words, no? :]

35.

2011-10-19T08:03:00.000-07:00

**entri ini bukan entri yang emo, sila baca dengan nada gembira. sekian.

So basically my walk home is MY time of the day.

I'd be completely lost in another dimension (kononnyalah)

So i usually prefer to walk all by myself with those magical things that magically lets you listen to music on-the-go plugged snugly into my ears. *sniggers*

And yeah... sorry to the classmates if all you guys think i'm snubbing you lot.

I'm very shy actually (no seriously, the me you "read" online is totally different with the me of flesh & blood), i only let myself go bonkers when i'm with my close friends. and when i say bonkers i really mean BONKERS as in lagi gila dari the me you "read" on twitter. *snigger sumore*

So, sorry again if i seem kinda snobbish. Do say Hi whenever you see me wandering around all by myself :]

okay. straying wayyy out of topic here. where was i?

ehemmm.

So.. when you choose to walk all by yourselves everyday, it can either be so magnificently uplifting or downright depressing actually.

Macam tadi, i saw Apek (bukan nama sebenar) dengan Ehsan (bukan nama sebenar) walking together, chatting and laughing as chums normally do. and then i saw Lily, Nonong, Veney, Jo (note: semua bukan nama sebenar) walking side by side, stopping by some shops looking at some stuff, basically just having simple fun.

Made me go a bit sad. melancholic, i guess.

I miss being around my friends.

I don't mind being alone. I enjoy being with myself.

Seriously. I am actually very skilled in the Art of Being Alone (aiseh!).

to the point where my mum is actually very worried of me being too independant. heheh.

But maybe i'm done isolating myself. and i'm done reflecting on my mistakes.

and also, i'm done remembering the past.

and maybe, just maybe.. i'm done with myself having difficulties to trust people.

I don't know. I don't know, for sure.

but maybe i'll try.

I wish someone would just come and tell me in my face that it's okay to let myself loose and to just wear my heart on my sleeves or something like that and tell me, I won't get hurt or whatever. I don't know :]

tak pun, tiba-tiba ada jejaka berkasut Jack Purcell offer to walk me home every other day, maybe? muehehe ;]

no, NOT just the two of us laa, that's for sure. aku cukup tau, itu memang tak boleh. impian ini hanya mainan dalam kepala. a girl can dream, right?

34.

2011-10-12T21:43:00.000-07:00

"I would like to be soft and warm. I would be terrified to be that way. I could be hurt if I were soft and warm. I could be hurt by something other than myself. It is harder to be soft than it is to be hard. I could be hurt by something other than myself."

A Million Little Pieces, James Frey

33.

2011-09-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

sedih tu pada aku, macam air sungai yang mengalir deras.

konon kau bersemangat waja dengan tenaga serupa Hulk mahu atasi aliran deras tu.

padahal usaha kau yang konon kuat sehabis baik tu hanya buat kau lebih dahsyat lelahnya.

lebih dahsyat aliran sungai menghempas ganas badan kau.

pada aku. pada akulah..

lebih baik kau biar diri kau hanyut dibawa arus deras itu.

mungkin masa tu baru kau akan sedar betapa lembutnya air sungai yang konon deras tu,

membelai lembut badan kau. nikmat, sedap. kalah kerusi urut ogawa ratusan ringgit.

sampai satu tempat cetek yang kau rasa kurang aliran derasnya..

baru kau mula kumpul kekuatan, baru kau set otot-otot, tulang-temulang kau.

koordinasikan pergerakan kau.

biar jadi yang paling kukuh,

supaya kau tak hilang, hanyut terus.

dan jangan pulak kau biar diri kau leka.

hanyut dalam nikmat palsu aliran deras yang membuta mengalir laju.

lainlah kalau kau yang mahu,

kau yang sendiri mahu jadi salah satu dalam ribuan mangsa yang terhempas ke batu.

tapi belaian lembut si aliran deras memang memikat, kan?

sedih itu,

macam nikotin untuk si perokok.

macam coklat untuk si perawan.

memang sedap, nikmat.

tapi kalau sudah lebih, kau sendiri yang sakit.

terpulang,

kau mau hanyut berehat sebentar,

lalu bangkit lagi.

atau kau mau hanyut begitu sahaja.

lalu terhempas ke batu.

pic credit

32.

2011-09-22T04:22:00.000-07:00

just BEAUTIFUL. and kinda depressing huh? but ironically, whenever i listen to it... fortunately, i am always reminded of this ;

" And it may be that you dislike something while it is good for you;

And it may be that you love something while it is bad for you.
And Allah knows, while you know not "

[Al-Baqarah, 2:216]

PS. i know, i listen to a lot of depressing music, but that does not mean i'm depressed. i guess i'm just a melancholic type of person :]

31.

2011-08-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

i miss the innocence of childhood.
where nothing bothers you,
and concern is a thing unknown.

i miss being a kid,
where the safest place is in my dad's arms,
and the word sanctuary means my mother's warm embrace,
at these two places, with these two beloved people,
where all my worries would just vanish into thin air.

the world seemed like a friendly place,
filled only with fluff and nice stuff.
where everyone is nice to each other,
where everybody cared about one another,
and these words..
'racism', 'anti-semitism', 'sexism' blablabla all that shit,
i never thought would have even existed.

see?
THAT. i miss that innocence.

now i'm just so full of shit,
i sometimes can't even think straight.
you can see it from inside out,
skepticism is eating me up, bit by bit.

bukan lah putus harapan langsung tak bersambung,
cuma mungkin lelah tak tertahan pada harapan-harapan rosak yang semakin menggunung,
atau mungkin memang aku yang kekurangan
kerana pengharapan aku yang terlalu melangit..

jadi tudingan jari aku memang hanya layak untuk diri sendiri.
mungkin. mungkin itu jawapan paling tepat.

mamayah langsung tak ada pincangnya mereka,
dua manusia paling sempurna bersama.
ayah masih dan sentiasa akan jadi superhero aku.
mama.. mama lah 'Supermak' aku.
keduanya tempat aku pergi tiap kali goyah,
kubu paling kukuh, tak pernah kalah.

trimakaseh Tuhan, Kau pinjamkan mereka kepada aku.

but you know what?
YOU. who's supposedly to be my future,
just let me be.
with all my skepticism,
and all my paranoia.
cus maybe its my personal form of self-preservation.
don't try to break through either one of 'em,
not when you're not absolutely certain you'd be there to catch me when i fall.

pic credit

30.

2011-06-14T01:22:00.000-07:00

ALERT : this is an entry resembling a pep talk, if you are too negative minded, its going to be your loss! :]

so i was downstairs at the new neighbours' because they invited me to dinner (for the umpteenth time, cus they're awesome people like that) and i'd just finished eating and i brought with me last year's Physiology repeat exam questions.
as i was discussing it with this friend of mine who i've known for years (since Form 1 to be exact), she suddenly told me that a couple of our friends including her, couldn't really believe that i didn't pass my 2nd year of med school, and had to repeat it all over again :]

P : kenapa si inn boleh-boleh nda dapat angkat aa?
J : dia ada masalah bha tu time tuh. aku paham tuh.

that J person, is the one i'm discussing the exam questions with. We've known each other for years, but not really that close, you know close as in i tell her everything, and she tells me everything. No, not that kind of close, but still, when she told me that yesterday, i was touched. because we're not that close, but she somehow believed so much in me. like i'm capable of doing better than this. masalah besar laa sangat kononnya aku masa tu -_- , padahal more like yours truly went all downhill and just lost her fighting spirit.

*in another different situation*

i enrolled in this camp for med and health science students that'll be held in early July, insyaAllah. Local and overseas student get to join in the camp. Quite a few students around Egypt are participating actually, and also some students from India and Ireland. The students from Ireland, uhm.. some of 'em are from RCSI. RCSI. how cool is that?! dulu RCSI tu memang mimpi indah aku zaman SPM tahu? haha. so yeah, you know.. obviously segan kan. So, i forwarded the email to mum and dad because there are some stuff that needs to be settled with my enrolment, and i mentioned how awesome it's gonna be to have RCSI students around. and i also kinda mentioned how segan i'm gonna be. haha. lame okay inn *facepalm*

you know what my parents said to me?

"Angah, everyone is equal, and we can always be as good as anybody else. Depends on your will and effort to be a better person. Anddd you have to believe in yourself. BELIEVE and lots of EFFORT."

Like Alice, who once lost her 'muchness' and managed to be 'muchier' after she believed in herself and got on with the business of slaying the Jabberwocky. So each of us is Alice in a way with our very own Jabberwocky.

righto!
my point here being..
its amazing how others believe in you so much when you think so little of yourself.
yep, you guessed it, i can have such low self-esteem sometimes. haha. no kidding.
but how low can you go when you have awesome friends and cool family members like them?
you'd be a downright complete idiot to keep on slacking and go all self-pitying on yourselves.

pic source

nyanyi sikit, "Don't stop believinggg..." :D

29.

2011-06-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

you know, i sometimes have this question going round and round in my head,
"uhm.. stuff like this shouldn't even be a problem, its basically common sense, its as simple as that, so why should you make such a big fuss over it?"
particularly when a certain scenario unravels itself in front of my eyes in a very undesirable manner and also being handled in the same manner as well.

i forgot that, everyone's mind work in their own way, so maybe something that is basically common sense or simple logic to me, may not be the same way for others and also, vice versa.

its as simple as that, actually.
but maybe, some people don't or can't see this, in that way, even.
get what i mean? :]

but still, whatever it is, you don't have to act all superior and be like a complete know-it-all,
just because you seem to know or care more about something. that's just plain revolting.

"Do not look down on others. Perhaps Allah will forgive their ignorance but not your arrogance"

photo credit

was quite an asshole for a time, back then.

28.

2011-05-23T02:06:00.000-07:00

these days, i've been blog-walking and seeing a lot of my friends writing "letters" to their Dear Mr.Future..
hmm.. the innocence of adolescent life :]

you know how i actually have loads to say, because i tend to overthink stuff ALL the time? haha.
but i never actually put them all here in thoughts. (because i am a shy person, like that) #sarcasm
i just type them out and file it somewhere here in the laptop just for me to see.

so...
maybe this, is one of the pieces of the 'everything' that is stored safely away.

I say one thing,

but I may mean something else entirely.

so.. have some patience.

and you may ask,

"for how long are you gonna be this way?"

well.. my answer would be, for the rest of my life.

served you right to fall in love with this neurotic, over-thinking, anxious person.

but i promise you, you'll never experience a shortage of kek batik your whole life.

(or any kind of cakes for that matter)

all you need to do is..

to share with me,

not just your smiles,

but also your tears,

and all your insecurities.

You would never appear any less heroic,

I would just love you even more.

i actually wrote this aeons ago, and i never thought i'd share it with anyone.
but then i remembered my inspiration, that awesome couple i've known for like, forever :]
and.. then i saw this, from them..

ayah aku memang suwit, aku tau :D

27.

2011-05-10T02:51:00.000-07:00

just this.

26.

2011-04-27T02:34:00.000-07:00

i need help.
the spokes and wheels in my brain have gone rusty and dysfunctional.
and my nerves are killing me, with their lowered threshold level.
and my other problem is, i can't really say it out loud when i need help.
i don't really know how.
and even as i'm typing this, i have a good mind to somehow not post this entry later.
even if i say it out loud, that i kinda need help, i won't really be able to explain what is it about.
even as you're reading this, do you have any idea what i'm talking about?
see? see what i mean?
uhh yes. complicated much?

its not intentional, my being this way.
i actually don't know how to tell what is it that's bothering me.
i really can't find the words to say, the sentence to construct.
grown tired already reading this?
i've grown tired of myself being this way too.
my apologies. but then, no one's forcing you to read.
so with all due respect, just stop reading :]
this is just me with my own thoughts,
trying to patch things up.
but i really don't know.. am i doing this the right way?
yep. complicated.

when you find that i have gone silent,
for the first two days, just ignore me.
but if after a couple of days, i'm still not there..
that really means something.
and maybe you should come and ask me.
but be patient with me, i don't really know how to really truly tell what's bothering me.
but if you don't really wanna know, i don't mind.
just don't pretend to care, when you're actually tired of my being this way.
seriously. because i'd rather have you not care, then have you pretending to care.
get what i mean?
yes. i know. complicated huh?

"tentang merasa kuat meski dalam hati rapuh tak terubat"

well.. if you are reading this, i guess i finally have enough courage to show this one of the many dysfunctional issues i have.

gif. credit

25.

2011-03-12T06:03:00.000-08:00

its like being in limbo.
you know how Susie Salmon was after she died and got stuck, literally, in the middle of nowhere?
that's exactly how i meant by saying "it's like being in limbo" just now.
you know how she went about in a carefree way, playing all day long with that friend of hers, they danced around, played in some kind of wide field, got dressed up in beautiful fancy clothes, having the time of their so-called 'lives', enjoying each and every single thing girls their age would normally do.
like there wasn't a care in the world.

or is there?

this is what i mean, here i am, enjoying this so-called holidays, but can't quite enjoy it really, because there are some moments, everyday, that i'd grow quite for a moment and be reminded that i am actually not in a position to laugh out loud to my hearts desire.
**macam gantung tak bertali laa kalau mahu berdrama untuk entri yang ini.
tergantung tak bertali, terapung-apung di udara yang takda oksigen pulak lagi, boleh bayang aku berkakai macam orang gila, tangan dengan kaki terpusing-pusing macam orang bodoh tak tahu apa yang boleh dibuat. (nama pun bodoh, memang laa clueless kan?)

this is exactly how i am, right now.
tapi aku rasa lawak ya amat lah situasi sekarang ni.
tu bukan aku taip dengan nada sarkastik yang memang sinonim dengan aku macam yang spiderman sendiri pernah cakap dengan aku.
tak sarkastik langsung.

jangan terkejut kalau ada yang takkan nampak muka seposen aku ni lagi lepas ni.
jangan terkejut jugak kalau ada yang tetiba nampak muka ridiculously unphotogenic ni terpacul depan biji mata.

okey? okey :]

24.

2011-02-22T23:52:00.000-08:00

"I, too, felt ready to start life all over again. It was as if that great rush of anger had washed me clean, emptied me of hope, and, gazing up at the dark sky spangled with its signs and stars, for the first time, the first, I laid my heart open to the benign indifference of the universe. To feel it so like myself, indeed, so brotherly, made me realize that I’d been happy, and that I was happy still."

Stuart Gilbert's transliteration of an excerpt from Albert Camus's, The Stranger

diam aku macam jerit sepi,

nyaring bising,

tenggelam kotak suara,

yang tinggal?

cuma sunyi yang bingit.

23.

2011-02-03T18:58:00.000-08:00

Its 2.30 in the morning now in Cairo. Not that sleepy, and besides, boleh bagi chance the others have some comfortable sleeping positions, for a change. Hey, note that i am posting this not to complain, or fret, or whine. Just wanna tell you guys how we are here. We are downright thankful enough that the water supply that we have is still sufficient now, the electric's still here, internet intact, the food supply is still holding up, and most importantly we know that all of us here know that we are safe, and looking after each other. Kept imagining the Palestinians, now we know how they feel. and maybe, what we are going through right now is just, on the scale of 1-10 of what they are actually feeling, is a mere 0.1. They've been at it for years, we've only been this way for just about a week, the most. So seriously, i am thankful enough.

but at times, that feeling of missing home and wanting to return to Malaysia can sometimes be too overpowering and overwhelming.
Thus the incident this morning, our outrageous behaviour of anger unleashed. totally immature, if i may say so myself. anak remaja berdarah muda, selalu bertindak melulu kan. selalu buat benda tak fikir dua kali, or berkali-kali for that matter. There's definitely no excuse for our bad behaviour, but then, to some who've been slacking at us without even knowing how it is here, that is kinda unacceptable. tapi tak boleh buat apa jugak laa kan, mulut orang bukan macam mulut periuk yang ada penutup, dan memang macam-macam berita yang disampaikan. So now, us here, my friends and i, are no longer getting all fired up at any mention of possible evacuation or anything asking us to "standby". We are just gonna wait and see what tomorrow's gonna bring. Tapi doa kami tak pernah putus, sebab memang tempat minta tolong paling bagus is? Dia.

so yeah, that's where we are putting all our effort and hopes at. Him.

untuk mamayahadikakak, jangan risau lah, i am healthy and well, but i seriously miss u guys, big time!
and to other family members and everyone yang tadah tangan tak putusputus doakan kami, trimakaseh banyak.

Semoga semua student Malaysia di Egypt selamat dan pulang ke tanah air, aminnn.

22.

2011-01-09T23:52:00.000-08:00

not too late to say hello 2011, i hope? :)

i wanted to post this last night actually, as the date was something of a special reminder to the peeps (if you get the hint, guys!) but then, the laptop discreetly reminded me to go on and pour my heart out to those books there on my study table by switching off voluntarily, thank you very much.

2010.

has been the best teacher, by far. i learnt a LOT, and when i say a lot, i really mean, a lot.

its the life-altering, not-gonna-turn-back-and-regret-anything kind of change.

well.. maybe, there's still a wee bit of regret, here and there, but the kind of regret that would make me go all fired up and raring to go, alhamdulillah :)

and i found out that my mum knows me more than i do myself.

you know that time when i got my finals results? when i told mum the news, she just looked at me straight in the eyes and she said simply, "angah, you didn't study, kan?" and i went all defensive and told her i did study, but maybe it just wasn't enough. but hey, the TRUTH is, i really did NOT study, but me, being the thick-skinned, dumbass, in denial teenager at that time, chose to rebel over my mum, the person who knows me inside and out.

and you know what, admitting to my mistake made it a whole lot easier to correct it, now that i realised what went wrong last year, i know what to do to make it right, should've just excepted mum's solid verdict from the start. tapi biasalah, manusia cuma, mana mungkin sempurna. and so, you learn from your mistakes.

but admitting to your own mistakes is not a piece of cake, i'm sure you lot know that perfectly well.

but when you finally do, well.. it still wouldn't be a piece of cake, but at least you know what you have to do, what you gotta do.

and maybe on some mornings, i still wake up with a grudge of having to go through another day of pulling through the year, but those mornings are getting smaller in number, and i am forever grateful to Him, for giving me strength and the purpose to get on with everything, cus when they say all it takes is "Lillahitaala", they weren't kidding, i promise you that :]

not anymore.
" What progress, you ask, have i made? I have begun to be a friend to myself " -Hecato

21.

2010-12-13T13:02:00.000-08:00

one day maybe, i'll go someplace, preferably South Korea, and it would be more appealing if at that time, the war between North and South Korea has ceased, so yeah, i'd definitely be headed there, and get a citizenship or something, or any kind of legal document whatsoever, that would allow me to get a job as a librarian in any of the small town public libraries. and then i'd get myself a place to stay, rent a small apartment or something of that sort, get acquainted with the neighbours, argue with the landlady some few odd times, go walking for one whole day around the countryside, or cycle along the beaches of the small town (i'd be sure to choose one which would have a couple of beaches), or scour through all the secondhand bookstores that the town would have and buy all of my favourite books, if i manage to get my hands on any, that is. and then, spend the rest of my day off at a quaint cosy cafe which makes the best cappucino or on second thought, maybe also the best lattes, and the barista would happen to be a very close friend of mine, who also happens to be the owner of the cafe, so yeah, it would be okay for me to sit there at the cafe for as long as i like, read my books, or even just be there, at my favourite spot, just below the shade of the cafe's awning, watching people go through their everyday lives. and when the day comes to an end, i'll go home and fall asleep while reading again, and when i wake up the day after, i'd be smiling and happy to go sit behind the desk at the side of the entrance to the library and occasionally go put the books where they belong and do lots of other things a librarian ought to do.

19.

2010-12-08T11:09:00.000-08:00

i think its one of those days,
where your frustration builds up up and up..
and you can't do nothing about it.
but then, to whom should you put the blame, actually?
God knows how i wish i could blame someone else.
how i wish i could just scream and shout at the said person.
but then, i feel like i wanna scream and shout at myself even more.
i feel like slapping my face a hundred million times over and shaking myself till my brain rattles in its skull.
cause no matter how much i wanna put the blame on someone else..
i know I should've been more level-headed and clear-minded than what i was last year.
on these days, i get so angry.
so. very. angry.
at myself in particular, at myself especially, at myself exclusively.

*mind you, i am not in my usual calm state of mind.

so now i'm gonna wait till i calm myself down,
and my anger leaves my body exhausted,
so that i can welcome back my level-headed thoughts and clear-minded logic.

18.

2010-11-30T12:09:00.000-08:00

and that photo of the two of us unstick itself from the wall and fell,
with a silent scream, it settled,
behind the desk, buried under the dust,
forgotten and forsaken.

17.

2010-11-19T11:13:00.000-08:00

the things that come from others' mouth, can never be controlled by us.

until the end of time, that would never happen.

not to mention, the things that go around in that mind of theirs..

a complete and utter mystery.

kamonlah. kau sendiri pun macam tu jugak kan mechanics nya?

kau juga ada mulut, apa lagi kepala otak.

kau pun boleh cakap dan fikir..

sesuka hati kau,

sepuas hati kau.

kan?

but that mouth that you have,

that glorious brain on top of you,

semua pinjaman dari Dia untuk kita.

barang pinjam, kau mestila pakai dengan berhemah, kan?

bila sampai hari kau kena pulangkan..

tak ada laa menggeletar kepala lutut nak mengadap kan?

insyaAllah. harapnya begitulah.

that brain?

use it to think happy thoughts and also to always remember Him.

that mouth?

use it to say beautiful words and also to recite His words.

aku tahu, macamana panasnya hati bila telinga dengar umpatan orang,

aku tahu macamana lajunya otak kita pusing cari ayat power nak counter-attack kata keji orang,

tapi cuba alih sikit pusingan otak yang laju itu ke arah lain,

ke arah Dia, ingat Dia.

Dia kan Maha Adil?

kalau bukan sekarang, nanti.

nanti ada balasannya.

and..

lagi satu.

kalau kau pun mulut laju caci maki orang,

kepala ligat cari ayat untuk sakitkan hati orang,

you would be no different than those person putting you down in the first place..

kan?

you are no better than they are,

you are on the same level as they are.

elok kauorang berkawan lah kan, kalau dah macam tu?

heh.

yep, aku tau.

aku pun tak baik mana.

mulut aku kalau hati tengah panas,

laju jugak tembakan pelurunya.

tapi aku sedang belajar,

dan ini sebenarnya sindiran untuk diri sendiri juga.

" a sign of one's excellence in his Islam is ignoring what does not concern him "

-Tirmidzi-

16.

2010-11-06T08:24:00.000-07:00

so yeah..
life's a struggle, and i think the blog is slowly turning into a self-help paraphernalia.
God knows how i despise that section of "Self motivational" books whenever i step into a bookstore.
and i don't have a single inkling as to why i have that kind of emotions towards those books, whereas ayah is always telling us to read Covey's books. bless those 7Habits of whatever kind of people we have in this world.

am not making sense, i know.
so today, i'm gonna make a confession.
and if its excessive of me, you can all condemn me to a life sentence of utter humiliation.
but i know i should be doing this, in order for me to get on with my so-called fresh start that wouldn't go in motion because of all these things bottled up inside.

ehh, how am i gonna start?

inn, just spit it out already.

this. is what's always holding me up.
myself.
me and my overbearing non-stopping thoughts.

okayyy. stop.
here goes.

i should be in my third year of my studies right now, you know.
but..
i didn't do well for my second year finals.
well, the phrase i didn't do well may be an understatement.
cus, here i am stuck in my second year.
again.

what disturbed my alwayshadbeenfocused mind for the whole year that had made me suffer this kind of fate?
embarassed as i am, here's the answer;
i had my heart broken.
heh. *smirking at her own utter foolishness*

there once was a time that i wouldn't have bat an eyelash at being dumped.
or reacted so weakly to any kind of provocation regarding matters of the heart.
ehh no, was i dumped?
not really. we had a mutual agreement of wanting to go on our separate ways.
but seeing as he's found a new replacement already,
i see myself as the one at a shorter end of luck.

*i'd probably go hit my head several times after i post this due to utter humiliation and overexposure of ones' self*

okay, where was i?
right. got my heart broken.
i was in total denial as accepting that as the main reason of me slacking my studies.
but there it was, always, smack-bang in front of me, but i being the thick-skinned, so-called tough persona, refused to acknowledge it and get over and done it with.
until here i am, stuck, and feeling disappointed with myself.
disappointed, self-hating, self-blaming, self-despising, blablabla, etc.
all that downgrading, non-motivational shit.
one can allow only a certain limit of wallowing, and moping around, don't you think?
if you allow it to stretch too much, you'd end up being a slight shadow of the person you used to be.
you'd end up being weaker than ever before.
not to mention, even more self-pitying, and more pathetic than ever before.
and you go through life, a day at a time, in a cloud of daze and not feeling a thing, at all.
and it would be much easier to fall into that dark endless pit of self-demoralisation than climb up that steep path of fighting for yourself again.
blearghh, too much analogies -___-
my point being, you let yourself take the easy way out than go through the hard way out.
cowardly, weak, pathetic. don't you think so?

I, THINK SO.
i am so ashamed at myself right now, i could barely smile at the sight of myself anymore.
that much emotion i felt towards myself. Horrible much?
and the only way for me to get up and at 'em again is by..
proving myself worthy again.
make my parents trust in me again, cus i know, i've let them down.
make myself trust in me again, make myself love myself again.
and i won't always be okay everyday, but i try to be.
i try, try, try and try again. again and again and again.
okay inn, cukup pengulangan dah tu rasanya -___-

so you know,
life's a struggle, nothing comes easy.
and you reap, what you sow.
straighten that nawaitu of yours.
remember what we stand for,
remember that everything we do is, lillahitaala.
i am trying to remember that too, everyday.
but i am only human, therefore, i am far from perfect,
so if you guys see me stumbling around,
take my hand, put me the right way up again, and remind me of what i wrote here.

and bottomline is;
you think you've got the most unfortunate luck in the world,
but when you stop, look around and think about it,
there's someone, some other place who's having it worse than you are.
don't compare and say it out loud,
it'd be like you're pitying the said person,
or you're not being understanding enough.
just look at how they are handling the situation bravely,
look at the Palestinians for example, hundreds of years of oppression,
but they are still there, standing brave and unyielding,
apa sangatla yang aku lalui, dengan apa yang dorang lalui tu kan?
malu kan, bila fikir macam tu? hmm :)
so... borrow a little bit of their strength,
and ask for some more strength from Him,
for you, and for everyone else.
that's not so hard, isn't it? :]

15.

2010-10-26T06:37:00.000-07:00

if i can choose which moments in life i'd like to capture and relive again and again,

i'd choose the moments i had, laughing my arse off with the girlfriends.

when the slightest things would set us off, laughing hysterically.

then, we'd be subdued, exhausted by all the laughter, but our faces still have that beaming smile and we'd grin at each other, ear to ear, knowing that we'd always have each other when all else fails.

allow me to just say a few things to all you girls out there :]

terpulang, kauorang nak terima dan ingat.

ataupun sekadar macam angin lalu.

its a free country after all.

kauorang, setiap sorang cantik.

kauorang, setiap sorang istimewa.

setiap seorang kuat, setiap seorang berbaloi.

hey, don't beat yourself down.

and no, you are not worthless.

you don't need that particular person to love you,

for you to feel loved, or even to complete you.

kau ada kami,

aku ada kamu :]

if your girlfriends weren't there by your side through all those times,

especially those dark dreary days, would you still be here?

serius. kau tak pernah sendiri,

kalau kau masih rasa begitu,

sumpah kau tak sedar diri.

*itu aku tutur dengan suara lembut bukan jerit pekik :]

14.

2010-10-20T23:50:00.000-07:00

" always up and down,

never down and out "

The Academy Is', Down and Out

siapa pun boleh tarik kau ke bawah,

pukul kau sampai biru lebam,

tapi itu setakat perkara fizikal.

benda kecik beb.

tapi kalau kau sendiri yang buat begitu pada diri sendiri..

kau bukan setakat jatuhkan diri kau,

tapi semua yang ada di sisi kau,

yang mahu pimpin tangan kau, temankan kau.

jangan bodoh sangat, jangan lemah sangat.

kalau kau tak lawan balik,

kau lari jauh mana pun..

you would never be able to get away from yourself.

dear friend, i hope you read this.

you are not alone.

but you better pull yourself together,

because if its only us who are trying, and you are slacking..

its never gonna be okay, cus bottomline,

its all your willpower,

we can only give you a hand or how many hands that we have for that matter.

13.

2010-10-16T05:18:00.000-07:00

enough said.

12.

2010-10-15T09:43:00.000-07:00

not that bad really, being in this kind of condition.

rasa macam hero pun ada.

to the extent of being a know-it-all pun boleh, maybe?

but sometimes still a bit of a dunce in some areas.

that, can definitely be improved.

what's the use of me being where i am right now..

if not to correct my mistakes and find out the right way to do things.

so actually, my prayers are answered.

not in the way i want it to be,

but in a way that's best for me.

you know, i prayed for a lot of things.

and at the beginning, when i first got my results..

lets just say, i beat myself down to the ground.

I did that to myself.

my confidence was at zero level.

i hated myself. *yeah, cliche. i know. that, i also hated*

I put all the blame on myself.

it was like everything i did, would never be good enough.

and I would never be good enough.

and maybe i committed to many wrongdoings in the previous years and this is His way of telling me to wake up and see things clearly.

but the bottomline is, i demoralized myself.

i didn't believe in myself. i didn't like myself.

pathetic, much? heh. *smirk*

i still do feel like that now, at times.

but not so overwhelming anymore.

because actually, the scenario now..

i kinda like it.

but somedays, i would not be this agreeable..

believe me, on those days, i can be pretty darn pathetic.

but then, when my head's all cleared up.

i see things differently, in a prettier shade of dark purple.

if you get what i mean.

macam aku cakap tadi, rasa macam hero pun ada.

rasa macam superman laa tuh gamaknya :]

thank you, for Blackbird

11.

2010-10-11T22:13:00.000-07:00

NO NO NO,

the previous post won't do.

THIS.

this will definitely do.

10.

2010-10-09T07:05:00.000-07:00

ever felt like nothing is going okay, and everything's falling apart,
that eventhough you tried your very best, you still can't make it right,
and every other thing that you can rely upon is just a mere illusion in reality.
and even your writing which you can usually run to for cover is like..
i don't know, i can't even describe it any longer.

i've been going round and round in circles these days.
some days, i'd be at the top of the circle.
just okay, barely stable, quite the optimist.
some days, well..
lets just say, i could definitely hit rock bottom.
the bottom most bottom of rock bottom.
if there ever exist one.

and i would be so exhausted with all this going round and round in circles.
but i couldn't stop it, eventhough i seriously do want it to stop.
i do, i want myself to stop all this..
all this sinking to the deepest depths of despair.
because i used to despise this feeling of one's helplessness.
but here i am, utterly helpless.
not to mention hopeless.

because no matter how hard i try,
no matter how psyched i am in the morning with the prospect of a brand new day,
i would somehow still have a flicker of sadness and despair felt somewhere here, in me.

know what?
i went through my old photo albums,
and i couldn't fine one single snapshot of me smiling.
no no, not that plastered plastic smile you reserve for the camera.
not that smile.
a real smile. my real smile.
i haven't smiled for a long time.
i want to smile that real smile of mine,
with that twinkle in my eye.

i just wanna be happy.

09.

2010-09-27T01:33:00.000-07:00

and it all falls down..

"tidak Allah memberatkan sesuatu beban itu melainkan ia berkemampuan memikulnya"

aku tahu, cakap memang senang,

tapi putus asa bukan pilihan, kan?

08.

2010-09-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

senyum dia terbit bila nampak aku..
kauorang tau gaya shane west dalam a walk to remember?
bila dia nampak mandy moore dari jauh menujunya?
haa.. begitulah.

gayanya yang begitu,
yang malu bila nampak aku,
tapi gembira teruja tak terkata,
yang dia senyum, tunduk, pegang tengkuk sendiri.

is that too much of me to ask for? :]

ahh, sumpah deep.

kenapa entah aku tengahtengah malam ni.

07.

2010-09-17T01:18:00.000-07:00

a friend once told me,

"you can tell a lot about someone from their doodles, you know"

she said, matter-of -factly.

i smiled,

"really? i retorted. how so?"

she only smiled.

"what do your doodles usually turn out to be?"

i answered,

"i don't know, they just come out randomly, nama pun doodles kan?"

*duadua senyum*

i noticed mine, started out as random circles,

but they can somehow evolve to heart-shaped...

hearts laa kan. -___-"

the friend smiled again, meaningfully this time,

"they say, the people whose doodles are in the same category as you,

are.. those who are looking for true love, you know"

and she smiled some more.

and i... only laughed out loud with all my hearts desire.

then i whispered silently to myself,

who isn't? :]

ohh btw, the doodles on the guitar are indescribable with words, kan?

wish i could do that for anakin.

he would look ohh-so-cool-and-authentic, dont you think?

06.

2010-09-08T23:17:00.000-07:00

Lagu-lagu raya meriah berdendang keliling aku. Kawan-kawan serumah semua sibuk di ruang tamu siapkan kuih raya ramai-ramai. Aku di bilik, dengan earphone besar melekat di telinga, dengar Fake Plastic Trees, Radiohead sambil mengadap buku Physio Vol. 1 ternganga luas. No longer in denial konon aku ni, HAHA. *geleng-geleng*

Aku congak dalam kepala, Malaysia sekarang agak-agaknya dalam pukul 2petang rasanya. Mama sudah pasti sibuk di dapur, along adik ke hulu, ke hilir dengar arahan itu, ini dari mama. Last minute preparations untuk raya esok laa katakan. Melepas laa angah daging masak kurma mama tahun ni. Tak apa, tak apa, tahun ini bukan rezeki angah. Tahun depan, insyaAllah :] ohh, petang nanti, confirm ada berbuka beramai-ramai dengan the big family kan? haihh, rindu rindu. Kirim salam wawak semua, Ngah Linah jugak, not forgetting all the cousins! Yang bujangan, yang perawan, yang kecik-kecik jugak :D

Untuk mamayahadikakak ;

Selamat Hari Raya angah laungkan dari jauh :] Mamayah, maafkan angah yang belum cukup berbakti, yang masih rasanya akan banyak kali lagi tersungkur, tapi insyaAllah angah tetap akan bangun kembali. Doakan angah dipermudahkan paper yang last ini. Adikakak, makan lamban mama tu, ingat angah sini okey? Petang-petang pasang cucul dengan ayah pun, ingat angah okey? Pagi raya nanti bayangkan angah ada di rumah melalak lagu Raihan ft. Hujan dengan merdunya sambil bersiap dengan baju baru okey? :]

Untuk kawan-kawan ;

Senyap aku, mungkin jerit sepi. Maafkan aku atas itu. Aku tau pasti kauorang mengamuk dengan aku sebab

tak ada bunyi, tak ada bising, tak ada teguran Wall Facebook :] inn hilang kejap, skru kepala dia banyak tercabut, perlu dibaiki kasi brand new biar boleh jadi inn yang dulu, yang boleh ketawa besar, yang bising bila bersama kesayangan-kesayangan dia. Selamat Hari Raya! Jemput datang rumah aku, eventho aku tak ada, heheh :D doakan periksa aku dengan rakan-rakan lain di sini dipermudakan okey?

Untuk followers ;

Selamat Hari Raya, maaf kalau ada terkasar bahasa, tersilap kata dalam tulisan aku. Trimakaseh sudi jugak usha blog kosong aku. Duit raya tak ada laa ehh, aku tak reti nak nuffnang bagai :D Tapi kalau kauorang nak hulur duit raya seringgit dua, kecik tapak tangan, nyiru aku tadahkan :]

Happy Hari Raya everyone!

maaf zahir dan batin :]

05.

2010-09-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

mahu aku..

jangan ada hitam lagi,

cukup itu.

bukan tinggi pelangi yang aku cari,

biar hanya putih tenang..

itu pun sudah lebih dari langsai.

jauh dari hitam kelam.

cukup itu..

mahu aku.

04.

2010-09-03T01:59:00.000-07:00

there's no use in lingering to the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' of life.

fat load of good that would do to you.

things happen for a reason, don't they?

what's the use of sulking over the past tense?

its not like that would make things any better.

so suck it up, and quit moping.

iyaa, memang kau sudah jatuh tersembam ke bumi.

tempat landing kau pun, bukan alang-alang.

sakitnya bukan kepalang.

tapi, apa lagi yang kau boleh lakukan?

selain daripada bangun balik, dan teruskan langkahan kau. kan?

mula-mula kau jalan, memang tempang,

ahh, pedulikan! jangan dilayan.

lambat laun, kau akan dapat berlari lagi.

mungkin juga terbang kembali. InsyaAllah!

biar sungkuran maha dahsyat ini tinggalkan lebam dalam diri kau,

supaya kau sentiasa ingat akan pincangnya kau,

supaya kau tak biarkan diri kau tersungkur lagi.

Allah takkan menguji hambaNya dengan sesuatu yang tidak dapat kita hadapi.

mungkin semua yang terjadi akan buat kita jadi lebih kuat,

mungkin semua yang terjadi akan buat kita lebih dekat denganNya.

trimakaseh mamayahadikakak, kawankawan kesayangan.

ingat, kau tak pernah sendiri dalam hidup lahh! :]

doakan aku dengan kawankawan yang lain ya.

03.

2010-08-23T06:26:00.001-07:00

thought i just had to go through the usual series of teeth-poking, and that's that.

haha. i should've known better.

ohh btw, my apologies.

i couldn't resist uploading these pics with all their gory, bloody glory.

those of the weak-hearted? i am deeply sorry. truly i am.

the whole time during the ''extraction'', my mind was reeling.

thinking about a whole load of other stuff.

seronok betul minda melayang macam aku ni.hehs.

and i sure wished i'd told mum to record it.

the dentist used a screwdriver-like thingy to jam my tooth out.

seriously, he jammed my tooth out.

i thought my mandible was about to crack.

ohh btw, sorry, i don't know the actual name for the thingy.

would've asked at the end of the procedure if only my mouth was not packed with cotton gauze and if my lips could move and form the words correctly. all i was able to do was gaze excitedly at the said tooth above.

mind you, the anaesthetics were still there at that time, so basically no pain.

but now, i might say, i look chubbier than usual. lopsided more like.

and, it HURTS.

like bangingmycheeksonthewallforafewtimestomakethepaingoaway kind of feeling.

heh.much good that would do to me.

one more thing, my gingiva had to be sutured.

the space my wisdom tooth left was too big of a hole for it to close by itself, i guess.

aku memang mengada tak tertahan nak jugak pakai term 'gingiva' tuh, padahal gusi semata :D

ahh yeah. where was i?

the suturing, yes. seriously regretting not having mum recorded the procedure.

have to go back to the dentist's in five days time to remove the sutures.

what's with my wisdom tooth that it has to suffer such gruesome fate?

well apparently i am one of the few lucky cases of wisdom tooth only able to come out half.

it is partly due to my small jaw; blame that on genes, my mum's jaw is kinda small.

the dentist told me. "aiyaa, you have very small jaw, all your teeth kesian sempitsempit sana."

and partly sebab memang Allah dah buat saiz macam tu :]

i am keeping the tooth,

minus all the blood that is.

thinking of maybe putting it under my pillow tonite?

HAHA.

02.

2010-08-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

one can grow tired of one's own heartache.

whatever hell you've intended to put me through..
well, you've succeeded brilliantly.
but hey, i hold no grudges against you.
i am forever grateful, in fact.

like i said,
those cracks i fell upon ?
would always remind me,
and.. would only make me stronger.

so, yeah.
goodbye :]

and i find myself humming away to SuJu's, Happiness

01.

2010-08-16T06:27:00.000-07:00

hell yeah. look where that brought me.

i was totally bummed out when i stumbled upon this. ehh no, more like tumbld upon it.

and the quote the more you mould yourself according to people's views, the more you'll lose yourself ?

eventually you will lose yourself completely.

so much so, to the extent that i don't even know who am i anymore.

a bit exaggerating, some of you would say.

but hey, that's how i absolutely feel right now.

but i guess the fact that i actually am realising it, is a good start.

i may stumble and fall countless times along the way,

but these cracks i fell upon,

would definitely remind me of the lessons i learnt.

even if i stumble and fall again..

i'll pick myself up.

slowly. but surely.

even if it takes a lifetime for me to do it.

at least i tried.

right?

so yeah, babblings is all gone.

its still there, but only for me to see,

as a momento for my shallow foolishness.